Jonathan's shirt says, "Save time and skip my sister"

This is the best I could do to get them all into one picture

Blah, blah, blah...  I haven't posted in a while.  Mostly because of the holiday.  Like so many, many others we spent the few days before Christmas cramming to be ready for Santa's arrival.  It was all worth it because Christmas for the Jaecksch's was great.  Jimmy was the first to wake up but Meaghan and Jonathan were not far behind.  Jonathan actually needed a little push to get out of bed.  He has never been into opening gifts.  He found the Rescue Bots and stopped opening anything else.  He even disappeared for a while.  He was down in the basement looking for his Optimus Prime Transformer.  He just wanted to assemble his team.  Jimmy and Meaghan tore through their piles and into each new gift in the blink of an eye.  Santa delivered on almost all of their wishes and managed to sneak in a few awesome surprises. Meaghan said with each gift, "This is just what I always wanted!"  And we heard a lot of, "This is the best Christmas, EVER!"  I don't remember smiling so much, my cheeks hurt by 9am.  I am so happy that the kids were all so happy, that is all I have wanted for Christmas for years.

Meaghan built 99% of all of this by herself since Christmas

Anyway, I really wanted to tell you about the new inhaled antibiotic that Meaghan started to treat the pseudomonas infection we just got back, AGAIN.  Where has this technology been all my life.  It delivered on its promise completely.  One treatment is over in 2 minutes or less.  Meaghan breathes relaxed and deeply through the whole treatment.  She does cough once or twice but she has not complained about burning or bad tastes.  The nebulizer runs plugged into the wall or by 4 "AA" batteries without making a sound.  It is SOOO different from anything else we've used to treat or maintain our CF life to date.  That is all that really matters but I do want to share the down side.  Just for me, not for Meaghan, this method is HIGH maintenance.  The refrigerated, powdered medicine has to be mixed with saline at the time it is to be given.  Figuring out how to assemble the medicine cup was a challenge for me.  Not the worst thing, right?  After the treatment has been delivered I have to disassemble the medicine cup and soak it in sterile water and soap (they sent the soap) for at least 10 minutes.  Then I sterilize the cup and parts in a sterilizer they also sent me to use with this set up.  I have to use sterile water to run the sterilizer too.  Then all the parts have to be air dried completely on clean paper towels.  Then I have to find a clean, safe place to store it all till the next treatment.  We do all that 3 times a day in addition to the other therapies and treatments we're already doing.  Like I said, Meaghan's part takes very little time and causes her almost no distress.  I spend at least 1 1/2 hours doing my part.  BUT, I'll take it all if this "kills the mean bug".

My already cramped kitchen could use a little help though.  Between the formula, daily medicines, medicine cups and sterilizer set I can barely use it as a real family kitchen.  But, Jason and I are planning to fix this not so significant problem this summer.  Lots of things have to be decided before then but I can't wait to actually get that project under way.

This was Meaghan's special surprise for her birthday.  Princess Jennifer came, read the kids a story, presented Meaghan the book she read from and had cake with them.  I'm not sure if I shared that with you already but it was on my mind.

Something else is on my mind.  I haven't fully digested it so I don't know what to say.  Today the nurse called from CF clinic.  Meaghan's pseudomonas is back.  The order for the new inhaled therapy is in, it may take a few days to get to the house.  She'll take the antibiotic for 30 days, be off for 14 days then be tested once again to see if it is there still.  We weren't even clear of it for a month!  WHY?????  There must be some way to prevent this bug from getting back into our kids.  Our future looks like a constant 30 days on 30 days off of one or another inhaled antibiotic. I have so much frustration, hurt, anger, fear and deep sadness I can barely finish a thought.  God, please help me.  I want to know what to do.  I want to make it all go away.  Just when I start feeling strong, I lose my breath again.  I know Meaghan is strong, I know she will fight.  I'll be there beside her every step.  Meaghan's health has been good in the past, she does well with the changes we constantly make to her routine.  We have the best doctors and hospital working to make her better.  But right here, right now, I'm drowning.  God, heal my little girl, please, take the pseudomonas away.  Clear her lungs.  Please.

We need a cure to cystic fibrosis.  Scientists are working hard and a cure is on the horizon.  Whenever you can, as much as you can, support the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation.  They are Meaghan and so many other amazing peoples HOPE for a longer, healthier future.  The link to my Great Strides Page is on the right.

God Bless!!

If you've been keeping up with Meaghan, you've been waiting for some answers.  Today during our 3 hour long visit to clinic we learned a lot.  Some good news and some not so good.  I want to share the good news first.  At the appointment on November 21st the throat culture they took came back negative for pseudomonas.  So all the questions I had about whether or not I did the right thing subjecting Meaghan to the hospital stay and IV therapy were answered.  It worked this time.

They took a new swab today, because they have to and also because of all the illness that has been going on in our house.  Today the doctor believes that Meaghan has some viral stuff going on in her upper airways and in her gut too.  He was not comfortable treating any of these things today because of how many medications Meaghan is currently taking and the likelihood that she'll be restarting the nebulized treatment for pseudomonas.  Jason reminded me to take the small victories we are given and congratulate Meaghan for all the hard work she put into getting rid of the "mean bug".  On the car ride home Meaghan said to me, "Yea, 'cause taking all my medicine is easy.  Being CF is hard so I just have to do it."  Yep, she said "being" CF.  I didn't ask, I could barely stomach the talk we were having as it was.  From there she went to spend the afternoon with her friends at preschool.

During the visit the nutritionist came to talk to us because of the weight Meaghan is losing.  We haven't done that since her G-Tube was placed almost 5 years ago.  Many of you who know Meaghan already know that getting Meaghan to eat is our greatest challenge.  It has been ever since her G-Tube was placed.  Don't get me wrong, she NEEDED the surgery, I am not second guessing that decision.  But, she hasn't regained her appetite and we've tried lots of things.  So today we met with the behavior psychologist.  Mostly she couldn't help, we've been practicing a lot of the things she had to suggest at home already.  I did take away one thing to try.  Each day Meaghan is challenged to try one new food item at dinner with the family.  For each "real" taste of new food she earns a sticker to add to her very own new calendar.  After she earns 5 stickers she gets a special reward.  Meaghan is excited about the whole process and she earned a sticker tonight.  She tried (3 licks of the spoon) greek yogurt.  She didn't like it but that isn't the point.

Meaghan toured the Pulmonary Function Testing room today.  She couldn't practice today because she isn't "healthy" enough but we're working in that direction.  It will be very helpful to measure Meaghan's PFT's because she hasn't been a kid to cough or show symptoms of illness, even though she's been very sick.

Lastly, the nurse brought in some new equipment to show us.  Meaghan's old equipment takes up to 30 minutes to deliver one treatment and she has to do them twice a day.  The new equipment and treatment take two minutes and get done three times a day.  The first medication we used has to be spaced 8 hours apart but the new one isn't so time sensitive.  They are equally effective at treating pseudomonas.  So, when we have to start treating her again we're going to try the new option.  There are a few different ways of looking at pseudomonas.  It is the number one cause of permanent lung damage in cystic fibrosis patients.  Early detection and treatment are essential.  Those things my family accepts and agrees with.  Now that we have successfully eradicated it once we want to keep it out.  Realistically, that is highly unlikely.  Some believe we should use the nebulizer treatments daily to stay ahead of the infection.  There are few, if any, side effects with the nebulizer and it could prevent the infection from sticking again.  It sounds simple, right.  She's just five.  I would love to lighten up her load and free up more of her time to play like all the other five year olds she knows.

Reality stinks.    

This has to be one of my favorite things about Meaghan's Princess Party.  The kids all had a turn to "kiss" the frog prince.  It was Meaghan's idea to play the game and a very talented and helpful neighbor (love ya D!) volunteered to draw him.  I plan to have him framed to hang in Meaghan's room, as long as I can find space.

I am all over the board tonight, I have no idea where this will take me.  Meaghan still seems mostly like herself.  She is a little more tired and doesn't want to be bothered to do much unless she is the one who wants it.  It could just be her age but every time she's more tired or off a little bit I can't help going to those dark places.

Jason and I had a short but tearful talk about those places today.  We both deal with this terrible disease in our own way.  I talk all the time, haha.  He doesn't so much.  A lot of the things that cross our minds he chooses not to verbalize, I know he feels uncomfortable when I talk about them but today I was unable to keep them to myself.  What is God's plan for Meaghan?  He can't take away her CF, it is in her genes.  He can stop her suffering, but how?  Will He choose to speed up the search for a cure?  That was Jason's idea.  Will He make this year the year we remember as the really hard one and allow Meaghan to go on for many more healthier years?  Or, will He take her, my beautiful angel, to heaven where CF won't hurt her anymore?  That's where I am right now.  Meaghan looks so beautiful and perfect, she's a little bit of heaven here on earth and what if God wants her back before I can stand it?

I have also been carrying this one around for a while.  I was emailing a friend about holiday plans and admitted that planning with my family was a really difficult thing to do.  I said to her, "We're not the best kind of friends to have."  At the time I meant it, it's what I thought was true.  Through the weeks since then I have thought about taking it back.  We ARE the best kind of friends to have.  We keep it real.  Our life is pretty hard most of the time.  But we are trying in all the ways we know how to remember that each day our family spends together is another gift.  I bet knowing our family is hard.  We live a nightmare most parents cannot imagine.  It is easy to see how people would be shy or scared to get to know us.  I tend to keep people at a distance too.  I want to fill Meaghan's days with love and happiness but I am terrified that the cost to her health will be more than she has.  I want all her days to be with me, I ache when she is away at school.  God saw fit to put this beautiful girl into my life.  He trusts me to take the best care of her.  I pray every day that I am living up to His expectations.  The simple joy and peace I find in living these days is equal to the sadness and fear I feel.

I asked Jason while we were talking this afternoon, "Why doesn't it get easier?"  I've thought ever since that first night with Meaghan that, in time, living this life would get easier.  No one told me it would, but I assumed one day I would come to terms with CF and start living better or happier.  I have watched Meaghan grow up to be 5 years old now, and I don't feel better.  I have faith, I have happiness but I have a BIG lump in my throat still.  How weird is it that a disease that is all about breathing, took the breath right out of me and I will never get it back.

That is all for tonight.  Meaghan will be in clinic on Friday morning for a follow up to the IV therapy we just finished.  We scheduled it for now so that we would have the results before Christmas.  I don't know now if that's the kind of news I want to have for the holidays.  Pray with us that we squashed the pseudomonas and have passed the second MAI test.

God Bless!  

 This has been a crazy few days.  Last Friday I spent the day with my mother-in-law and a few helpful friends wrapping gifts at Barnes and Noble.  It was a great day.  We wrapped a few gifts for shoppers, raised awareness of cystic fibrosis and raised funds to improve and lengthen the lives of those living with this terrible disease.  I met some people with a special connection to someone with CF and one who inspired me and gave me hope.  A 51 year survivor who is 18 years post a double lung transplant.  That was the best part of my day.

Saturday Meaghan celebrated her 5th birthday with friends and family.  I hope to have party pictures to share soon.  Meaghan's special surprise for the day was a visit from a "real" princess.  I think all the kids had a great time.  Meaghan said it was her best birthday ever.  That's all I wanted.

Saturday night was spent at church for the Christmas show.  That was just Jay, Jimmy and I.  Jimmy didn't enjoy it as much as I had hoped he would.  Thankfully there were two boys at our table with a new Lego set to put together.  Sunday Jay and I took Meaghan to Reston, VA for her first Nutcracker experience.  It was put on by the Conservatory Ballet, a group of talented kids from 4 to 17 years old.  They were great.  Meaghan met some of the cast backstage before the show and was even lifted by the Cavalier.  I think she loved it.  It was a little long for her but I am pleased with the way she handled herself.

That is where the good news ends.  Jonathan and Meaghan both came down with a stomach bug.  Jonathan started last night, right after bed.  Meaghan started this morning right after she woke up.  Meaghan was feeling so bad she barely remembered that today was her "real" birthday.  I was so tired after being up all night with Jonathan that it would have been a real struggle to put on a birthday dinner for her anyway.  I just can't believe they're both so sick right now.  Jason, the lucky guy, planned a long time ago to stay home with us today.  Bet he wished he was in the office after all.  Not really, he was super helpful.  I couldn't have made it through today without him.  Meaghan gets a do over on her birthday as soon as she's feeling up to it so Jason may have to celebrate his birthday later too.  It's not like he hasn't been there before.  I feel terrible, I wish I could get a do over.

Well, in the morning I am going to take Meaghan and Jonathan to see their primary care pediatrician and on Friday Meaghan has to be seen in CF clinic again.  This winter can not get out of here fast enough if you ask me.  Thank you for checking in on us again.  We have such a long way to go, one day (one breath) at a time. We haven't heard about the MAI infection status yet and we are being checked again for pseudomonas on Friday.  I wish I had more good news to share but you'll have to wait, just like me, wait wait wait.      

Today was an emotional day for me.  This time of year should be filled with joy and wonder.  Almost five years ago, when I was on pins and needles, waiting to welcome a new baby into our new home, I dreamed of future birthdays and Christmases and they were never like this.  For Meaghan's first Christmas she was still in the NICU.  That Christmas Eve a doctor delivered the diagnosis of CF and gave us an expectancy of 37 years.  Puts a ticking clock in your ear that is just so hard to lose.  But still, every year I try.  I decorate the house, buy lots of presents and pretend that I am happy.

This is a difficult and stressful time of year for a lot of people, we've all got "stuff" in our lives.  No ones future is certain.  But, I wake up every day the mother of a beautiful girl whose future has been shortened because of this horrible disease.  I fight through the depression, anxiety, sadness, anger, worry, fear, doubt and confusion.  I set out to make everyone else happy but what about me?  There are very few people that I can count on to honestly answer that question.  Thank God for Jason.  He is strong and dependable and he proves over and over again that through all these ups and downs I have someone to hold on to.  He cares about me, he works hard to try to make me happy.

Alright!  I give up! Life is getting to be a little more crazy than I am ready for.  Check out our week.

Meaghan was asking to go back to school so I picked her class trip to the aquarium as her first day back.  Everyone is always so excited to see her after a long absence and it can be very overwhelming for her.  So, I thought that if she was in a place she already LOVES and wasn't going to be the main attraction she might be less nervous.  I don't know if nervous is the right word but I hope you understand.  Meaghan has been through so much in a short time and sometimes people (all people) forget that for weeks nurses, doctors, therapists, and a host of other special people have stood over her, poked at her and questioned her relentlessly.  So when she says she is ready to go back to school I think in her mind she believes it will be easier than what she's been doing.  If I dare say so without sounding like I am breaking my arm to pat myself on the back, the aquarium was a great idea.  It brought me to tears when her classmates fell in behind her and followed her with such genuine excitement and joy.  I heard things like, "Meaghan's back!" and "Meaghan is out of the hospital".  That was not intimidating for her and since the aquarium is usually filled with big people she barely noticed the teachers.  It was a great day for Meaghan.

Unfortunately, Jonathan was sick at home.  He started with a cold and has been separated from most of the family for more than 2 days now.  He's breaking my heart.  If any of you know Jonathan at all you know he is full of energy and spunk and is never quiet.  But since Tuesday he has been mopey and sleeping all day long.  Oh, and the biggest difference, he's not eating much.  His fever is gone and his cough seems better but he still has a lot of congestion.  I hope he gets better soon, this has been awful for him.  Then, as if that wasn't enough, the stinker gave it to me.  All day today I coughed and sneezed so Meemaw and Pop Pop came to my rescue again.  Meaghan stayed with them and they took her to school.  She's been doing everything with them so I don't breathe on her and so she doesn't share space and toys that Jonathan has had.  I disinfect and clean every night before bed and wear a mask to go in to Meaghan's room.  This cold can't leave here fast enough.

I wish that was all but there's more.  Jimmy came home from school with a note from the nurse.  He evidently fell and hit the back of his head during recess.  The note said that he needed to be seen by an authorized health care provider so I called his pediatrician's office.  They told me right away that he needed to go to the emergency room.  Yea! An hours long trip to a germ filled ER when I have all this other stuff going on at home.  The good news is that Jimmy is fine.  He has a headache and a small bump but will be feeling better in a day or so.  The bad news, he has to lay off sports for about a week.  We've been telling Jimmy for years, "Stop falling down!"  He falls all the time and nothing good happens when you're on the ground.

Don't get me wrong, I am making it sound big but I know that it could still be so much worse.  I am deep in a tough time right now but I am singing God's praises for the good fortune to have Meaghan well enough to return to "normal" activities and to be home with and for my sick kids.  I love the place I am in, I can't explain it, I wish I could.

Happy Thanksgiving!  We kept things simple today and boy am I glad for that.  Originally we were going to host Thanksgiving dinner here at home this year like so many others.  After we  talked about what it meant the decision to cancel a big family dinner was pretty easy.  Meaghan has been through so much and exposing her to all the people would have been stressful enough, not to mention the germ potential.

Yesterday's visit to clinic was pretty traumatic for all of us.  The doctors talked to Jason and I about keeping or pulling the PICC line.  We decided to pull it because we would be greatly risking her health to keep it for little gain in the success of treating the infection.  One of the two IV antibiotics comes with the risk of hearing loss and renal failure.  We are already being closely followed by an opthamologist because of the risk of damage to her optic nerve from another medicine she needs.  Because you can't live without kidneys and Meaghan will more than likely be using these drugs again in the future we have to limit the length of time we expose her to it.  Just when I think we're getting somewhere some new consequence comes up.  Then I listened while they told us that most likely Meaghan will have to use the inhaled TOBI antibiotic anyway.  The big reason for taking the major step into hospitalization and IV's was to get away/off/over the need for the inhaled antibiotic.  Instead, even if this pseudomonas infection was successfully eradicated by our aggressive attack on it, to prevent future problems with it, Meaghan will cycle on and off treatments at home.  Immediately I started asking why we did all of this.  There is no good answer.  Each patient is different and so is each infection.  We can only do what we think is best at the time we are facing it.  This time they say we've done what we can, the rest is up to God.

I pray to God that I am doing the right things.  I can't explain it but I am at peace, mostly.  God brought this beautiful angel into my life and He graced her with strength and courage for the battles she's faced.  From the night she was born she's fought to live.  Each day for her is a gift.  She greets the morning with an insatiable hunger for growth and knowledge.

If you want to know what I am thankful for today, I would say my family.  That we were together, at home, to share a meal.  More than that, I have to thank Meaghan for how she has tried to teach me to live each day in a positive and fulfilling way.  It is really incredible that someone so young, with such little life experience is the one I look up to.  

There are so many things I am learning through this experience.  Unfortunately, I am learning them all the hard way.  People can not be trusted to do the things they say they'll do.  No one is truly listening. Mistakes will be made.  It is my job to protect Meaghan from these things but she's too smart not to know.  If she isn't right there when it's happening she may overhear me talking about them (venting) later.  As if this terrible disease and it's enormous impact on our family wasn't enough, I have to triple check EVERYTHING.  The frustration I feel over our most recent stay in the hospital is piling up.

I don't really want to go into a lot of detail.  I didn't log on tonight to say any of that.  I want to catch you up on how MEAGHAN is doing.  She is an amazing little girl.  She has been strong and brave.  She has a lot of anxiety and fear too.  I hear her ask frequently, "Will it hurt?" and "That isn't going to hurt, right?"  Don't misunderstand, I am not asking why she does it, I get it.  I reassure her at every turn and explain everything.  When we get to something she really doesn't like she will flat out ignore me or change the subject.  It's like she had coaching on this strategy, she's a pro.  We had the talk already about what might happen in clinic tomorrow.  It's hard to say which would be better, remove the PICC line or change the dressing.  Either way, we'll get through it together.  Jason was already planning on going but when Meaghan asked him tonight he pretended it was her idea.  She is so happy that he'll be there, maybe it will go better.

No matter what happens there is one thing that we are spending a lot of time working on now.  Her 5th birthday!  She told me months ago that she wished to be 5 years old.  She didn't know why but she just wanted to plan ahead.  You may know by now that Meaghan loves the color pink and anything that sparkles.  She knows she isn't a real princess but wants to pretend for that day that she is.  Obviously, Jason and I are doing all we can to ensure she gets her wish.  We aren't going crazy, everything within reason, but I hope it's the party of her dreams and that she remembers it as her best birthday ever.  She has given a lot of thought to how the day should go for everyone.  She made a guest list and looked through books and websites for decorating, snacks and entertainment ideas.  She wants everyone to come play games and win prizes.  Jason made a great suggestion and I am working on making it happen.  It's a secret for now, but if I can make it happen, I'll spill early.

Thank you for continuing to check in on all things Meaghan.  Because of the many well wishes, prayers and support offered to our family we are staying strong, together.

A packet of Get Well Wishes from church

I don't know where to start.  I am sorry that I have left the blog for the past few days.  I really thought that Meaghan and I would come home and just get back to the business of "normal" living.  I felt so different coming home this time (like I was ready), Meaghan was acting like she felt better.  But I felt it (panic) as soon as we opened the van doors in the garage.  Everything was happening too fast.  The home care nurse met us in our living room at around 3pm.  She is a familiar face.  This is the nurse who had the pleasure of changing the PICC dressing in our house when Meaghan peed on me.  I don't think she was happy about being assigned to us again.  That visit took almost two hours.  It was too long.  We had to go over Meaghan's recent health and hospital stay, her extensive med list and administer the first antibiotic.  My mother-in-law planned a dinner for my family so I didn't have to worry about that.  That was the highlight of my day.  A real, delicious, home cooked (mom's) lasagna.  Unfortunately for me, I suddenly realized that I had hooked the wrong medicine to Meaghan.  I hope that I mentioned already that we have to be doing TWO IV antibiotics at home.  I had already done one with the nurse and should have been able to do the second all by my self.  I ran from the table in a complete tizzy.  After I called the 24hr number I knew I needed someone to talk me down.  I called a cousin who had all the knowledge necessary.  It worked and now I have the number to Poison Control on the refrigerator.  A very nice nurse called me back and told me that I had to stop beating myself up, I was not the first person to make this mistake and I would probably not be the last, just that night even.  It was hard to do anything or even sleep the first night home.  Tuesday wasn't a lot better.  It started out well, I had an offer to get Jimmy to the bus stop nice and dry during the rain.  Then I had to get to the business of finding out where Meaghan's new physical therapy machine was.  During our stay I was informed that ours was unsafe.  I was also told that it was being handled for me.  NOT.  Now it's done, what a pain.  Wednesday Meaghan and I met with the home care nurse for the second dressing change.  This nurse was also there when Meaghan peed on me.  That was her first home nursing care experience.  She teased today that she almost changed paths because of that experience.  She and I had high hopes for a successful change today.  We were successful, it was ugly, but it was done.  We have another change ordered for Tuesday then a visit in the CF clinic on Wednesday.  I haven't heard any more about lab results and I don't know for sure how long we have to keep the PICC line and use this course of antibiotics.  There are a lot of you asking how you can help.  I really want to ask for help and visits but for Meaghan, right now we have to lay low.  I love each and every one of you, I couldn't make it through my days without the gentle reminders.  Admittedly, I am overwhelmed, but Jason and his parents are doing everything they can to help get me through this.

It's not a great picture but this is the PICC line.
It is hooked up to one of the abx.  The pink purse
is holding the medicine, pinned to her shirt.  We do this 4 times a day.
That is equal to 2.5 hours.

Just Breathe

 These are the only pictures I took today.  We really didn't do much worthy of pictures today.  This breathing exercise was the most exciting/interesting thing all day.  Otherwise we played games, read books and practiced in our workbooks.  We didn't get to leave the room at all.  Physical therapy came and we played in the bubbles again.  The doctors had very little to say to us this morning.  Just that we will stay the course with the IV's and see what happens.  Of course I am completely thrilled that we are going home tomorrow.  I am very nervous about giving IV medication myself at home, I've done it before so why am I sweating it now?  This PICC line is working beautifully and even seems to stay tucked neatly into her little band when we're not using it.  So I am in a better place than the last time we had a PICC.  Come on Michelle, you can do this.

Meaghan looks great.  She sounds great and is able to do so much.  I thank God for all of that.  All of the prayers for healing and strength are being answered.  My perfect angel is fighting and beating, against the odds, TWO nasty "mean bugs".  From the day she was born she's been proving over and over again that she is here to stay.  She likes to keep it interesting, never a dull moment, but that's just it, Meaghan LOVES a challenge.

Along those lines, among many other things we've tried this week, Meaghan learned to spell our last name.  Now she writes her first and last name on all her works.  That is no small feat, ours is a very difficult name for adults to learn and while she was "sick" in the hospital, she did it!

Ok, check back tomorrow, we should be home.  Who knows what bringing our family back together again will be like.

God Bless

We played "Princess" part of the day,
those were happy times

 I'm just gonna get right to it.  Today stunk.  I wish it was different but here it is.  I had to start a load of wash early this morning.  When I went to switch it I found a baby blanket that does not belong to me and was not there when I started.  We know how wiggy I can be about germs so I was pissed.  The weekend docs rounded and did nothing.  Oh, they are the ones who told me some of Meaghan's cultures came back and it is definitely pseudomonas.  The MAI and fungus results we still have to wait for.  When I told them about the raised itchy rash Meaghan has under her PICC dressing they didn't even look.  Then I found out that Meaghan will be coming home with TWO IV antibiotics to last through November 21st!  She has a clinic appointment that day to remove the PICC.  They couldn't tell me if/when she'll be swabbed again to check to see if our aggressive stance on things worked.  So that means Meaghan will not be returning to school before Thanksgiving.  That was wishful thinking on my part but it would have been nice.  Maybe by the next week I won't feel rushed to try to put her life back on a well kid schedule.

Throughout the day I just felt lonely.  We had no visit from Daddy today.  There were lots of things going on outside the hospital and it just couldn't happen.  For Meaghan's health and safety we can't have visitors.  There is already a mean flu going around and we can not take chances.  So even though a ton of people out there are offering to visit or support us I can't take anyone up on the offer.  In fact, during our day nurses lunch her replacement charged into our room without the required gloves, gown and mask.  My stunned expression wasn't enough, I had to ask her to leave and take all necessary precautions BEFORE touching my daughter.     



Meaghan's food orders are still being messed up so she is left feeling disappointed when the tray arrives.  Luckily she has discovered Honey Nut Cheerios again and canned peaches.  Honey dipped donuts, plain noodles and potato chips sustained her today.  I have talked to the nutritionist, the nurses, the charge nurse, the girl assigned to families on our floor and even the people in charge of the food service.  Everyone wants to help but the situation has not improved at all.  Meaghan's snacks haven't come on a consistent basis or included foods she's even going to eat.  When I place her meal orders things I order aren't there or they are plain wrong.  I don't see the benefit to doing meals this way, we have been responsible for so much waste this stay.


Now, you are seeing these unhappy pictures because late this evening Meaghan was too tired to just let nature takes its course.  She was sure it was going to hurt.  It hasn't yet so I have no idea why now she decided this.  I fought her alone for 5 minutes or so and then Meaghan wanted her nurse.  Her nurse was so not interested in helping.  She asked me two or three times what I wanted her to do.  I wanted her to talk to Meaghan and get her to try to sit on the potty.  So  I had to just excuse her from needing to do anything for us, she was clearly not going to make the difference. I spent better than an hour with Meaghan. These are just a few of the pictures I took of the tantrum she was having.  One day she will surely HATE me for it but tonight I need this.  In the end, the business was done and no one was hurt.  She was so shocked, Mommy was right.  Oh, my future!

It was this little therapy technique that finally got her to relax and sit long enough to get it done.  What's crazy is, oh never mind, the whole thing is crazy.  It was 10pm before she got into bed tonight.  While we were getting into bed our neighbor was having a heated discussion on the phone.  I hoped Meaghan was ignoring it but then she asked me,"Why is that lady mad?"  Once "that lady" chose to use some of the most colorful words Meaghan has ever heard I got the nurse right away.  First, I was worried about Meaghan.  Later I realized, SHE'S A MOTHER!  In her daughter's room!  Language like that is uncalled for and completely unacceptable given our surroundings.  Thankfully our nurse was more inclined to do something this time.  She just got another nurse to go talk to the woman but at least it was done.  The discussion continued but at a more tolerable level.  Meaghan never repeated any four letter words or asked me what they mean so I am hoping that one is behind us.

I think that covers things for today.  It's almost midnight and I want to fake sleeping by the time the nurse comes in to do vitals in a few minutes.  Thanks again to all, love and hugs too.

Today she covered the main floor of the hospital

Hi.  Not much more news to report on tonight.  Today was a lot like yesterday.  We saw doctors, talked about all the things we're still waiting to find out about and did everything asked of us.  This morning Meaghan had another bath and learned that we were going to be staying until Monday.  We are adding one more dose of fiber to her new overnight formula to try to slow down and regulate her.  Until we are in a better place with that we are staying put, she's having a lot of issues.  I want to go home and stay home so I am sticking it out in the hospital until we make Meaghan more comfortable.  Yesterday was better than today in that area.  Come to think of it, in a few others too.  We still do not know what bacteria is growing in her cultures and may not for some time.  Also, we learned that the machine we've been using to run Meaghan's vest isn't safe.  So after carting it to the hospital to use, we can't and have to wait for a new one to come.  What else?  We heard back from the research team that they don't want to pull Meaghan's study labs while she's "sick" so that means we'll have to go through a blood draw sometime soon instead of using the PICC line now.  Meaghan's super sensitive skin is reacting to something under her PICC dressing.  I don't know what to expect from that, I heard, "We'll have to wait and see".  Oh, one more, Meaghan still will not let us remove the monitors they stuck to her skin in the OR 5 days ago.  She is sure it will hurt and wants nothing to do with it.  Even when I tell her that her skin will feel better once those terrible stickers are gone, she flat out refuses.  Soon we'll have to hold her down and get it done.  Just one thing should go right for me, I'm being as patient as I can be.

On the bright side, Daddy came to visit us again.  I really love how much time he has spent coming and going to be with us.  Thank goodness that Meemaw and Pop Pop are there to help with the boys.  I miss them so much.  Jonathan was very unhappy tonight, maybe because I'm still gone, maybe he misses his sister, maybe he's tired or sick.  I wished I could hold him tonight and have all this hospital time behind us.

Ok, last things.  In case you are wondering, the new Childrens Center is nice.  What I heard before coming was all true.  The room is big, bright, clean and has plenty of storage space.  The staff have all been helpful, supportive and friendly.  Our view is nice, not the best on the floor but we get the added excitement of watching the helicopters land and take off.  BUT- The bed is terribly uncomfortable, the light switches are poorly located and don't make any sense, the food is less than reliable and being with the babies and toddlers is noisey 99.9% of the time.  Meaghan is in an isolation room, no one allowed in unless you have "official business" with her.  And, unless it is with physical therapy she can't go out.  So, I haven't seen much of the new center outside the patient room we have, everyone I talk to says it's great.  I'm sure it is, but I don't plan to be back inside for a long time to come.

This weekend will probably feel like an eternity.  The week flew by, but staying till Monday feels like a long time.  By then I hope to be sure that going home means staying home, comfortably.

 I'm fading fast so bear with me.  I'll start with pictures from yesterday.  Meaghan's day started with play time with Mommy and Miss Tiffany (Child Life Specialist).  Since being admitted we discovered a game by Play-Doh called Toy Time Race.  It is really cute and Meaghan just loves to squish her opponents.  That was all leading up to the dreaded PICC line dressing change.  We thought we were ready for a quick, quiet change.  Everyone knew what was going to happen.  This is when I remember what Jason likes to say, "Man plans, God laughs."  Our plan flew right out the window and 7 of us were all doing what we could to keep Meaghan still so as not to lose the PICC line, kick a nurse or contaminate the site.  It was AWFUL!  I had a moment to regroup after the event because Miss Tiffany was helping Meaghan tear up tape.  It was evident to anyone in a 4 floor radius that Meaghan was ANGRY!  Half stripping her bed then tearing tape gave her somewhere to direct the anger.  Within about 30 minutes calm had returned and we could move on to our big goal for the day, winning at BINGO.  I am very sad to report that Meaghan did not win.  She got a prize for playing and that helped make her feel better.  After BINGO it was time for a bath and hair washing.  It has to be done all differently in the hospital.  We can absolutely, positively NOT get the PICC wet!  So I can only wipe her down but this time we got this cool shampoo cap.  A few seconds in the microwave and you have a warm soapy, no rinse solution to regular washing.  It worked out great and I would like to kiss the person responsible.  That really sums up Wednesday for Meaghan.  It wasn't a good day.  Her labs weren't back with any definitive news for us and her belly took a turn for the worse.

Today was far less stressful.  No needles or removing/redressing anything.  The hospital clowns came by her room and had her laughing hysterically.  Her belly seems to have improved a little through the day.  The nutritionist is making another change in formulas tonight so we have to wait and see what tomorrow morning brings.  I did find out today that the lab reported there is some bacteria growing in her cultures.  It is possible that it is pseudomonas.  We still have to wait to know for sure.  I don't know how long and even thinking about it makes my head hurt.

For the first time Meaghan was able to leave her room for physical therapy today.  Once she heard she might, she looked forward to getting out of her room all day.  Daddy came to see her again today.  He brought her her favorite treat, McDonalds french fries. She finished the whole bag in plenty of time to go to the gym.  She made the most of the time she had, she was working with the same therapist who has worked in hospital with her before.  They have a great chemistry and Meaghan adores her.  She had lots of fun jumping on the trampoline and working through an obstacle course.  Afterward the three of us played one Play-Doh game before Daddy had to leave.  I think one of Meaghan's favorite things today was talking on the phone to her brothers.  She and Jimmy did great, Jonathan was another story.  Meaghan had a hard time understanding something he was saying and from my perspective it was like watching a Three Stooges episode.  Jason and I had a good laugh when they were finished.

I guess it is still possible that we come home tomorrow, but it is doubtful.  In order to be sure that the dietary changes we're making are in Meaghan's best interest we need to stay a few more days.  I sincerely hope that when we leave here we just finish our antibiotics at home and make it back to school before Thanksgiving.  Wishful thinking but that is my goal.

Thank you for the continued support.  Hugs.    

 Oh, where do I start.  Yesterday was anything but easy.  Waking up at 4 in the morning to be here on time was the easiest part of the day.  Meaghan was "first case" for her doctor so we did start really close to on time.  The bronch went as planned.  They got in to her lungs, took some really cool pictures, collected their specimens and got out.  That didn't take long but the PICC was a completely different story.  In case you don't know I will write it all down again.  Meaghan had her first PICC line in February.  It was in her left arm.  Then in March when they admitted her again she got a PICC in her right arm.  They can't put a new PICC in a vessel that was that recently used, it isn't safe.  So this time the nurse was not concerned with which arm to use because Meaghan's body had had sufficient time to heal.  What we couldn't have known is that both of the vessels they used for Meaghan's first and second PICCs had closed or become blocked (in protest I'm sure).  So to place her PICC line yesterday the nurse first tried the right arm, then the left, twice, before she was finally able to get through.  The PICC nurse turned all my hair white with the story of her procedure.  The entire time she was talking I felt like she was only trying to soften the blow.  My imagination was running wild.  I was sure from the way she avoided telling me where she placed Meaghan's PICC that I would hear that she had to shave her head and put it there.  She didn't, it is in her left arm, just a different vessel.  Her IV was in her foot!  Jason and I didn't get to be with Meaghan again until after 10am.  She woke up alright and we were moved to her room by lunch time.  The poor thing was miserable!  All the poking and prodding caused her so much discomfort.  For the better part of the day we just tried to get her settled.  There was a lot of crying, some screaming, tons of anger and she was just Miss Disagreeable until 7pm or so.  Once she was cleaned up she got out of bed to check out this really cool machine in person.  The picture does not do it justice.  There is a tube with water and balls, bubbles and small toys that float up and drift back down.  It hums nicely and then there's the projector show and "spaghetti" lights she can play with too.  She has the power to control the color inside the tube with a remote.  Everyone who came to our room stopped to stare at it a while, it sucks you right in.

Today was a little of the same story.  Lots of waiting, a little less pain and crying.  We did have to do a finger stick this morning and they are always very stressful.  But it was the last one, every other has been checked with blood from her PICC line.  We were able to take her IV out (the one in her foot).  That took a while, removing the ridiculous amounts of tape is a delicate process.  That one had to go.  She could barely stand and walk while it was there and it was painful throughout most of her infusions.  She feels much better now that that one is out.  She's still wearing the sticky pads from the OR monitors, I guess we have time to work on those.  Tomorrow will be quite possibly the best and worst day that we're here.  The best day because it's BINGO day.  The best time to be in the hospital.  The worst because it's time to change the dressing on her PICC line.  I don't know if this is in one of my older posts but OMG, they SUCK!  It takes five people to get it all done.  One of the times we had it done at home Meaghan peed on me!  Right in my lap!  We got through it and somehow we'll get through this one too.

I am really sorry that I left you all hanging.  I had all that going on and I couldn't get the laptop connected to the internet until now.  There were so many doctors in and out of our room between yesterday and today but unfortunately I still don't know much.  We have to wait for labs from blood, lungs and stools.  We're playing around with a dietary plan to get Meaghan back on a regular schedule.  We have to work on respiratory and physical therapy schedules.  We are doing a lot of hurry up and wait.  Meaghan has spent some time working on the things we brought from home (and you).  I really appreciate all of it.  Her mind is busy and her room looks beautiful.

We have to wait and see, but maybe we'll be home on Friday!  No promises.

God Bless.  

Hello All.  Thank you to everyone for the outpouring of support this weekend.  It was a really great weekend.  Mostly because we were all together.  It was COLD!  Really cold, especially Saturday.  Not the kind of weather you think of when you think baseball.  At any rate, the kids had a blast.  The Renegades went 2 and 1 in the tournament.  Not well enough to advance but we are proud of them all.  Meaghan and Jonathan were busy bonding with the other siblings on the team.  It is so great that there are kids for them to play with while Jimmy plays ball.  I am getting to watch more of Jimmy playing not having to be entertainer too.  A funny thing happened Saturday night.  We decided to go to a chinese restaurant for dinner.  No big deal, but while we were getting ready to leave I looked back at a large group and spotted a CF parent I know.  Turns out we were only about 10 minutes from her house and she and her family frequent that restaurant.  I have a harder time running into people I live across the street from (love ya MAMA).

I spent most of today feeling really busy and not getting a whole lot done.  Lots of laundry got done.  Sometimes that feels like the only thing I ever get done.  Meaghan helped me pick out the things she thinks she needs to be comfortable this week.  Her focus was on books, crafts and friends.  She knows I'll take care of the rest I guess.  Thanks to some very generous friends already Meaghan has new things to explore while we're away this week. 

Ok, I have to get off of here now.  We have to be out the door before 5am.  I still have to pack.  Meaghan is first case for Dr. Z tomorrow.  I hope to be able to share a little by lunch time tomorrow.  No promises.  You will be hearing from me, lots, so check back often.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you! 

I am sitting on my kitchen floor at almost 1 am writing tonight.  I just can not turn off my brain. I wish I could get the Halloween picture of the kids on here but I am lucky I even got a picture on here at all. I have never been successful getting pictures on the blog from my iPad.

Anyway, today was Meaghan's last day in school for who knows how long. I spent the day with her, it was awesome. I read to the class from a book written from a child's perspective about CF.  I think they all liked it. Meaghan chose the snack for today, Doritos and powdered donuts. She also shared with the class her love for half and half in place of plain milk.  I don't think anyone else liked it but Meaghan cleaned up! Then we took a class picture to hang in her hospital room next week and Meaghan gave each classmate a goodie bag we made for them.  I held it all together, it was ok.

But tonight, I am slowly going crazy. I have so many things to get ready for and I wish I had written them down before my brain turned to mush. Tomorrow is a special trip to the aquarium in Baltimore. If you've read any of the blog by now you know it is one of Meaghan's favorite places. Since we have no idea what the future holds, I have to get her back there one more time.  Then tomorrow night we are heading up to Aberdeen for Jimmy's last baseball games of the fall season.  He is so excited, he's playing at Ripkin.  The tournament starts early on Saturday and goes through Sunday.  So that we could all be together and get enough sleep and still manage to do all of Meaghan's treatments we decided it would be easier to rent a room.  So I am really behind in being ready (as I'm gonna be) for what's about to happen.

I'm scared. That's it, I feel it all swelling in my chest. I need to be with my daughter but I will miss my boys and I'm afraid that they'll resent me for not being with them. My head says I'm crazy but my heart...  I HATE what's going on, I need to make it all go away.

I'm done, after a long pause and a chat with God, I'm back!  Goodnight, hugs.

OMG!  Every time I look at this picture I feel such a rush of emotion.  Look at that beautiful girl, she is my everything.

For anyone who doesn't know, Hurricane Sandy, the Frankenstorm, is beating the east coast to a pulp.  Here in our sturdy brick house in Ellicott City, MD the lights are still on.  They are starting to flicker a bit and we all feel like it is just a matter of time before they go off.  Honestly, I am struggling to understand just how we've kept electricity this long.  Not complaining, I'm thankful.  But, I should keep blogging to a minimum for now.

I am feeling very proud of myself today.  Everyone was home and though we were into lots of cool and fun things to do there was almost no fighting.  This monster storm has ruined weekend plans, canceled school and closed business but the Jaecksch's are happy and safe.

I am closing tonight with a request, (or two, or more:)).  Meaghan's next hospital stay is coming up very soon, next Monday in fact.  Pray for her doctors and nurses to deliver the best possible care and that the procedures go safely, smoothly.  Pray that my angel wake feeling healthier and happier.  Pray that the strength I have found to plow through these difficult days not fail me now.  Pray for Jason, Jimmy, Jonathan, Meemaw and Pop Pop to hold things together while we're apart.  Now remember that I thank you all.   Through the encouragement you've provided me, I am who I am, where I am, today.  "Love" is just not enough, each one of you is deeply appreciated.  Lastly, spread the word about Meaghan, share the blog!

Today was just like most of our others.  Except for that Meaghan found this huge mushroom at the bus stop.  After she and Jonathan finally broke it free from the ground they just had to bring it home.  It rests now in the garden and they are very worried that "something" will come and eat it.  It is really funny how much this mushroom means to them.  They called Meemaw out this morning to look at it.  At first glance Meemaw thought they brought a living creature home.  So Meaghan lovingly refers to the mushroom as a turtle.  We had a friend visit for a little while before preschool and Meaghan could hardly wait for them to leave so she could show off her mushroom.  For their sake I hope  nothing comes tonight and eats the mushroom.

I hate to say it but that is all I have tonight.  We are all waiting and doing the best we can to plan for the next stay in the hospital.  Keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

Ok.  This picture has nothing to do with why I am writing tonight but by now we all know that I just love to put her up here for you to look at.  I really wanted to get on here last night and talk about the feeding tube.  Instead I spent the better part of my evening folding the laundry that I spent the better part of my day washing.  Not exciting but an accomplishment I'm proud of.

Well anyway.  On Saturday, last weekend, I was sitting with some other CF parents talking about all kinds of things CF parents talk about.  One of them is always NUTRITION.  Meaghan was the only one of the kids we were all talking about with a g-tube (we call it her button).  The trouble CFers have when it comes to their nutrition is that it takes 2-3 times the calories of their peers to absorb enough for positive weight gain and growth.  For many of them it takes "special" treats and formulas to achieve weight gain.  When Meaghan was still very small it was obvious to everyone she wasn't getting enough calories and the decision was made to place a g-tube.  Meaghan was 8 months old when she had the surgery, I don't remember her numbers, but she was still wearing some 3-6mo clothes.  Her numbers didn't make it on the charts then but within weeks she was on a steady upward curve.  Only twice did I question our decision to put in the tube.  Once while she was recovering at home after the surgery.  She was in so much pain, I hated that I did that to her.  Then when we made the change from the PEG to the Mic-key in the GI clinic.  It would be a bad idea for me to go into detail about that one, trust me.  Those two times were hard but every day since then I say, "Thank You".

With a few little exceptions the button has made our life so much easier.  I am able to give Meaghan all the bad tasting liquid medication she needs through her button.  I can help keep her hydrated, each night I add 8oz of water to her bag.  And, when she's not feeling well enough to eat I can add to her belly for her.  Now for the down side, and why I wanted to write tonight.  First, there's the obvious "hole" in her body.  Not a big deal to me at all.  The button is small and easily changed.  For anyone with pierced ears it's as easy as changing an earring.  It is almost undetectable when she's dressed.  As she grows we'll worry about the two piece bathing suits.  The second issue with having a button is that sometimes during a feeding it will come apart and leak.  The formula is very thick and sticky and smelly.  You know just by walking past the room when something like this has happened.  I said, "leak" but in our house we say she fed her sheets.  When that happens, and it did on Saturday night, it means stripping her bed completely, bathing and redressing for bed. You know it rarely happens when you are fresh and ready for this kind of undertaking.  It's always at 2 or 3 in the morning when you stayed up late to watch a movie with your hubby, realized the dishwasher hadn't been loaded and finally hit the pillow around midnight.  To make matters worse, that night Jonathan came in at 2:30am saying he couldn't find his screwdriver or some other kind of nonsense.

So, just in case I haven't already covered all my feelings on feeding tubes, there you have it.  The good far outweighs the bad.  For each their own, this is only my opinion.  Thanks to everyone for all the continued support.  Please don't forget Meaghan is spending another week in the hospital starting Nov. 5, we still need your thoughts and prayers.

Just keep going

Hello, I have heard from a lot of you that I should be putting more on the blog.  Trust me, it comes to mind often.  There hasn't been a lot going on in the world according to Meaghan.  We've settled down a little with the start of school.  That is going very well.  I go on and on with everyone about how wonderful the school is for us.  I couldn't be any happier.  Meaghan and Jonathan too. 

Today, Meaghan dressed up for a Princess Party at her friends house.  She just loves to pretend she's a princess.  

Before the party, I was in Baltimore for the Johns Hopkins CF Center Family Day.  It is a yearly event for parents and caregivers of people living with cystic fibrosis.  There is a lot of progress being made in finding the right drug or combination of drugs to treat the root defect of CF.  There are many reasons for patients and families to celebrate.  That was today's theme.  It seems so appropriate for our family, we have been finding little ways to celebrate each day.  We try to make each day "The best day ever!"

The five of us visited a farm in PA on Friday.  It was awesome!  It was called Maize Quest.  We successfully navigated our way through the extensive corn maze in about 40 minutes.  There was some complaining along the way, mostly by Jonathan, but the pride and joy we felt when we saw the exit and knew we did it on our own made it all worth it.  We took a short break for lunch and to recharge before we took on the task of completing the other 25+ attractions at the park.  A lot of effort went into everything they had to offer.  Jimmy found the pedal cars and he rode those most of the day.  Meaghan loved the giant slide and bamboo maze.  Jonathan loved to climb on all the huge old tires.  We even played a life sized version of Candyland together.  There was something for everyone.  When our legs just couldn't carry us another step we visited the market for a snack for the ride home.  It was almost the quietest car trip.  No one was asking for anything and the annoying sound of electronic games was non-existent.  The three kids munched hungrily on farm fresh apples!  Maze Quest is a fall must for families willing to make the trip a little west of Stewartstown.  My kids are already asking ,"When can we go back?"   Enjoy the rest of the pictures.  I think you'll especially love Jonathan ;)

  

Meaghan is being pulled by a tractor, Jimmy has to do all the leg work

Now I have to catch her before she lands in the puddle

The full view of the slide

 

Is it obvious, we are done

Very cool maze, lots of fun

 

Thank you everyone, you've been caring and supportive and I love you all very much.

Hello All.  I have nothing very eloquent to write today.  I realize it has been a very long time since I posted on Meaghan's progress.  There just hasn't been anything to say.  She will take her last dose of TOBI tomorrow morning.  Then we wait some more.  Her next bronc is scheduled for November 5th.  At that time she will likely get a PICC line placed to start her on another course of IV antibiotics.  The idea is to be aggressive with the pseudomonas because of the complicated infection she got last winter.  To be as prepared as possible I'm planning on a few days in the hospital with her.  Sadly, we just won't know until the doctor has her under during the bronc.  We're just taking things a day at a time, trying like mad to be positive.

My request is that you continue to check on my precious angel and PRAY. We love you, God Bless.

Hello.  I don't know where this blog will go tonight so please bear with me.  I am on to say "Thank you!" to everyone who supported me throughout the weekend.  If you don't know what I am talking about, that is ok.  You didn't miss anything.  We are still doing all our medicine and therapies and waiting to see the doctors in a few more weeks.  I met with and shared with moms this weekend who are in the fight against CF and some who don't have CF but face their own challenges.  The "things" we do, this crappy roller coaster ride, is sometimes the most unbearably helpless/hopeless feeling.  There are people whom I know I can call on but either I chicken out or I feel afraid to upset/annoy/burden others with my issues.  I am a broken record.  It feels like nothing ever changes.  "Meaghan is still taking a ton of medicine, she spends countless hours doing therapy, she's tired and cranky.  BUT, she is brave and strong and compliant."  I HATE IT!  Why does my little girl have this?  Why can't science fix this NOW?

How long do we have?  Making all these special memories now sometimes feels wrong.  I wish we had learned to live like this long before some insensitive NICU doctor put a ticking clock on my daughter's days. No parent should have to do what we do.  Getting out of bed some mornings takes all the strength I have.  It's real when I am awake.  I have to give her pills, "squirts", and breathing treatments.  I hook her to a LOUD machine that squeezes, shakes and pounds her chest and reassure her "This will make you better, we need to get that mean bug out of you".  Day after day, always the same thing.

I am really sorry.  I guess I am still being a broken record.  Getting bogged down in all the negative doesn't get me anywhere.  Meaghan has big dreams, she's making future plans.  If she can do it, I can too.  God loves my little girl, He brought this special angel into my life and I thank Him, over and over again.  If He gave her the foresight to make choices for her future, who am I to doubt them.  So no more will I just say the words, I truly support Meaghan's dreams.  She should have everything she wants, a life spent exploring the world, marrying Prince Charming in a sparkling pink wedding gown and having lots of babies.