How long do we have? Making all these special memories now sometimes feels wrong. I wish we had learned to live like this long before some insensitive NICU doctor put a ticking clock on my daughter's days. No parent should have to do what we do. Getting out of bed some mornings takes all the strength I have. It's real when I am awake. I have to give her pills, "squirts", and breathing treatments. I hook her to a LOUD machine that squeezes, shakes and pounds her chest and reassure her "This will make you better, we need to get that mean bug out of you". Day after day, always the same thing.
I am really sorry. I guess I am still being a broken record. Getting bogged down in all the negative doesn't get me anywhere. Meaghan has big dreams, she's making future plans. If she can do it, I can too. God loves my little girl, He brought this special angel into my life and I thank Him, over and over again. If He gave her the foresight to make choices for her future, who am I to doubt them. So no more will I just say the words, I truly support Meaghan's dreams. She should have everything she wants, a life spent exploring the world, marrying Prince Charming in a sparkling pink wedding gown and having lots of babies.
Okay, so first of all - you can call me ANYTIME and you know it! You do not "upset/annoy/burden" me with anything. I worry about you all the time because I don't hear from you.
ReplyDeleteSecond, it is so weird that you wrote this tonight. (Okay, I KNOW why you wrote it and why I read today what I am about to share. God truly has awesome timing!) Anyway, as I was reading the kids their Bible devotional tonight, I thought of you and Meaghan. It is John 9:1-38. Paraphrased: Jesus saw a blind man that was born that way. The disciples asked, "Was it because of his sins or his parents' sins?" Jesus' response, "He is blind so God's power can be seen in him. It was not his sins or his parents' sins that caused this."
So I thought of you. You always ask, "Why does this have to be the way it is?" God knows what He is doing! He will use this for something great. You may not even realize what it is yet, maybe He has already used it, maybe it will be much later. We don't know but that is where faith and trust come in. We have to have faith that God is awesome and He will use everything for His glory. You never know how that will be done. Maybe to bring someone else in for diagnosis of something, maybe to bring someone closer to God, maybe to introduce someone to God, maybe.... The list could go on and on.
You need to trust God that He is taking care of you. You do an awesome job with all of your kids. You are a great mother. I think that the most you can do is be the best mom you can be. Showing her the same excitement for her dreams as you do your boys. Showing her the same enjoyment out of the "little" things. Showing her the same expectations of her future as you would your boys! You want to raise her as a confident lady! (By the way, you have that one nailed already, no lacking confidence there!)
Okay, I'm about off my soap box! I love you very much and hate seeing you beat yourself up over this! You are doing fantastic, Meaghan is doing great, considering all she is going through. You are all doing the best you can do for her and that is all you can do at this point. God will provide!
Remember there are lots of prayers out there for you guys! My friends ask about you guys and how you are doing. My family asks. You are wrapped in many prayers!
Talk to you soon! (Hopefully!!!)
Tracey